I DEFINE ME: A Journey To Self-Love

Believe it or not, I was dealing with a serious issue about self hatred.

When I was younger, I was surrounded by a lot of friends, most of them are beautiful - skinny, light skin, perfect hair. And I was just me.

I was having no issue with my self back then, I love the messy-fat me. Until one day, one of my friend decided to have a serious conversation with me.

"Bel, if only you cut off some weight and take care of how you look, you will be beautiful."

Then another friend told me this

"You know, you'd be so pretty if you are skinny."

And the other added:

"See, this is why you still don't have a boyfriend."

I started to think that there is something wrong with me. Then I was lost in confusion, me, who used not to give a damn about these beauty standarts started to doubt my self and my worth.

Not even a single day I spent without blaming my self for not being born skinny, or pretty, or enough.

I started to hate the way I look, I didn't dare to look at the mirror because I was afraid I'm going to hate what I see. I was depressed. I hate my clothes. I hate my self. I hate me. I started to going out less with my friends. I feel intimidated.

I cut off weight to fill their expectation.
I barely eat with my parents, I never eat my mom's cooking. I was afraid to be fat - to be me.

But I know how to play it cool. I play it cool until one day I decided that none of that will define me.

I realize that, everyone deserved to be appreciated, everyone deserved to feel loved, everyone deserved to love themselves, despite of what fits or doesn't fit to what other people assumption or opinion.

And I know, I have been there with self-hatred, insecurities and self-doubt, and I am still also working in it now and always. But please always remember that, you don't always have to fit. You don't always have to be what they want you to be or what they think you should be. You should be what you want yourself to be. The happiest ray of sunshine. The light of the days.

You do whatever you want - achieve every dream and what you have faith on - believe that you are loved, even when people think you are too skinny, too tall, too clingy, too fat, too short, too loud.

There are something more than be pretty or be skinny. Be smart, be kind, be brave, be sincere, be genuine, be funny, be chatty, be whatever it is - BE YOU.

You - you are loved, even before you were born.

Never, never let anyone take that away.